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Get Busy told of Sister Monda's encouraging solution for the painfully shy child (our author) in her classroom.

Get Busy
by Bryan Nolan
Texas, USA

The summer I was six my family moved to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I spent most of my days playing around the house or hanging around my mother. But finally fall arrived and I began school in the second grade. I went to St. Eugene's and was introduced to my new teacher, Sister Monda. I was a bit taken aback by this kind woman with robust features. She was nothing like I imagined a nun would be. She had a loud voice, walked briskly about, and always wore a smile.

School days carried the normal activity of classes, lunch, and recess. Recess was always the toughest time for me to handle. Being rather shy, it was difficult for me to make friends. On the playground I would sit with my back to the other kids, crying. I not only missed my mother, but I also feared the belittlement of having the other kids see me crying. This went on day after day and seemed like it would never end. Then one day my mother stopped at the gas station across the street from the playground. Noticing her, I bolted across the road, oblivious to the traffic and car brakes screeching, and made it to her side safely. By this point, I was crying hysterically and pleading with my mother to take me home.

Instead, Mom took me to the principals' office, and Sister Monda joined us there. When asked how we could remedy the situation, Sister Monda simply stated, "It's time to get busy."

And get busy we did. When recess rolled around, Sister Monda was the full-time quarterback for both teams. She made sure every kid got an opportunity to catch the football, to hike it, and even defend against her awesome passing ability. She got everyone involved in games of dodge ball. In reality, she set herself up to be the main target of all the balls the other kids and I tossed, but I don't think she minded that one bit. She was the best (and tallest) basketball player, but she always made certain everyone got a chance to shoot for the basket and dribble the ball down court.

That was long ago and I now have two boys and a loving wife, but I carry the torch Sister Monda once held. One day my older son came to me during his first year in school, explaining how much he missed his momma and me when he was in school. My advice: "Get busy. Don't let the longing thoughts invade your mind. Find something to do. Make friends with others. Make friends with any and all of the new kids at school. Help prevent them from having those longing thoughts." The very next day he thanked me for the advice, saying that it really helped him make it through the day.

Thank you, Sister Monda. You will always be a great inspiration in my life.

Story Editor: Mike Edwards

We received the following comment from Laura in California:

This story hit me so hard that I deleted it right away and had to go back into the archives to retrieve it. My son, Zachary, is in second grade and having a very hard time socially. He is agonizingly, painfully shy, with extreme social anxiety and panic disorder, and he hides it by acting angry to avoid crying. He has tried to make friends with the other kids, but because he was so difficult at first, the others in his class are now uniformly rejecting of him. He tries as best he can to figure out what to do, but the other kids know that they can say and do hurtful things to him and the adults will assume that he started it, when the truth is usually the other way around. Zachary is a loving, bright, and creative child, if you give him half a chance. How I wish he had a Sister Monda -- or the teacher he had last year -- instead of a teacher who insists that 'He is just his own worst enemy' and 'He's just going to have to learn how to get along with others -- none of us can help him with that.' I believe she is so wrong, but I know that if I challenge her on this it will make it even worse for him. Thank heavens for the Sister Mondas in the world; I just wish my son were lucky enough to have one this year, when he needs it so much.

Thankfully, Laura, the time may be coming to an end when bullying is allowed in classrooms -- for bullying is indeed the problem which Laura is concerned about. There are schools where caring adults prevent kids from being stereotyped as someone who's "fun to pick on" or "easy to anger." Waldorff and Montessori schools (private schools) carry that focus. I've a friend who's a librarian at a private Middle/High School. Each year their principal sends to all faculty a list with names of kids known to have a tendency to intimidate others, and those known to be vulnerable to being pushed around. All staff is expected to keep the aggressive kids from becoming abusive, and to effectively protect the more passive kids. All staff -- teachers, counselors, and various support staff -- are coached on how to work together to prevent bullying among children being educated at this school. Is it surprising that this school's enrollment is growing rapidly? The STOP Violence Coalition of Kansas City Missouri, USA, says: "The statistics are staggering. In the USA, an estimated 160,000 children miss school every DAY due to fear of attack or intimidation by other students. 77% of students in a Midwestern study reported that they had been bullied." The Anti-bullying Network in Edinburgh, Scotland, says: "Children have the right to be educated in an atmosphere which is free from fear. The anxiety experienced by bullied children can make it impossible for them to learn effectively." I am simply amazed when in a school with kids ages 5-11, to hear paid professional adults say, "We can't change the atmosphere amongst the kids here." Just who exactly would change it, if it wasn't the adults who are in charge?

Last year I was privileged to correspond with a HS reader, a professional counselor working in the field of "child discipline" in the Middle School setting. He was simply overwhelmed dealing with well- meaning kids who'd somehow ended up at the bottom of the school's heap. I believe he would assure you that kids being put on the "failure track" or "discipline track" was commonly caused by being ostracized and bullied by their peers -- and subsequently giving up on themselves. His task was to find a way to re-inspire these kids -- he himself REFUSED to give up on them. He is one of untold thousands of professionals around the globe working on this issue. If you are a kid reading this, the links below can help you or a friend being bullied. Please share these links. Remember you're not alone -- AND that there are real adults working hard worldwide to make this situation better for ALL children. The NoBully Organization in New Zealand tells kids: "If you're different in some way, be proud of it! Kia Kaha - stand strong."

Thanks again and credit to Bryan Nolan of Texas for writing this inspiring story, and starting this conversation with our readers. If you're a caring adult, as Sister Monda would have said, "It's time to Get Busy!"

Reader reaction to Laura's comments poured in. We heard first from mothers who had stories about their children being bullied, or advice for Laura. Secondly, we heard from those who had been bullied as children.

Mothers of Bullied Children Speak Out

Robin, Idaho:

My son was only 7 years old when he was at a bus stop and a 12-year-old girl took a lighter to his hair. Fortunately no damage was done, but my son was afraid to attend school. We eventually moved to a new school district and another school. This school piloted the 'Bully Proofing Program' three years ago, and it is spreading to other schools! My son is now a confident fourth-grader who sets a good example for younger children. The violence factor dropped by 60 percent when the program was initiated!

My daughter had a horrible first school year, always in trouble. Her second-grade teacher asked what she should know about my daughter in order for them to get along well. I shared my catchphrase "Are you having a bad day today?" -- which gave my daughter a chance to pause and modify her behavior. That question was the turning point of my daughter's conduct in school. Her teacher used it, and it worked. Don't be afraid to 'buck the system', sometimes it's the best thing to do. Tell Zachary's teacher what works for you when he acts out. If she refuses to work with him, get another teacher. My daughter went from flunking to almost a straight-A student.

My daughter, who has attention deficit disorder, was bullied by her fifth-grade teacher. My intervention did make things worse for her -- until I went over the teacher's head to the principal, who didn't act, then to the superintendent. The superintendent involved the school counselor, who eventually told the teacher to back off. That wonderful, wonderful counselor checked up on the teacher by periodically dropping by the room without notice. The superintendent said he wished I hadn't waited so long to let him know. My daughter is now a well-adjusted high school senior who plans to become (the best ever) elementary school teacher.

I could protect sensitive children from bullying in the classroom, but I couldn't protect them on the playground, or before or after school. Other teachers shrugged off bullying as something they were not responsible for, some laughed it off and some even participated. Plus, certain classes are full of particularly insensitive children. Sensitive children in insensitive classes become targets. It's also true that some teachers dislike an individual child and will allow that child to be bullied. Even with a different teacher and a different class, Zachary's playground reputation will mark him as a victim. There are parts of every playground and every restroom that really are out of teachers' control. Once a child is marked as an 'abuse-unit', that mark remains until the child is removed from the abusive environment. I thought my little girl could 'tough it out' because I had as a child. I was wrong. School bullying destroyed my daughter -- school bullying and a mother who didn't 'get it.' I taught in both public and private schools. There was no bullying in private school. If anyone had tried bullying, they would simply have been dismissed. In fact the children were unusually kind and supportive of one another. There are plenty of good, private schools. It's more important for a child to feel safe than to have a secular education -- because an unsafe child learns nothing except fear. I once heard a child at a religious school say, "I like it here because in this school being good is cool." That's because the teachers and administrators made it so. (Rose is a former teacher.)

Could you possibly forward Laura my letter and ask her to have her child Zachary tested for PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder ) My son too had the same problem, and only because I had a friend who ALSO had a son with this problem, did I get him checked for this, and today my son is in a special program and he is doing soooo well, not shy anymore -because they learn how to 'connect' with people and new, strange situations. He is now participating with 'the crowd' and will not suffer the pain he did before he learned how to compensate for his deficiencies and lack of social skills.

Many schools will not allow you to request a particular teacher for your child. What often works instead is to write a letter listing the qualities that you feel are important for your child's teacher to have - and write it so that it describes the teacher you want your child to have. One note, it is very important to base this at least in part on your observations of the teacher, not just on what other parents say. I know many people who have found that the "favorite" teacher was not good with their child, while a teacher with a lesser reputation was a perfect match.

Our family knew bullies in school: the staff. My small son's teacher told me, "I have several bright children in my class this year, but I can't teach them with 'John' constantly disrupting!" What, my child wasn't worth teaching? I had him moved to another class. Later that year, my son "played" an April Fools joke, hiding a student's breakfast milk for a moment. The room monitor then threw away my son's breakfast (that I paid for). He did not eat until lunch, 18 hours after his meal at home. When I complained about this overreaction, and that my boy said he was starving all morning, the principal responded (in writing) that this was an accepted means of punishment, and he didn't feel going without breakfast hurt my son. Since when is denying a child food accepted punishment? We moved out of that school district the next year.

In addition to finding out about how to make her school a no bullying zone, Laura should consider demanding a Section 504 conference. Both these conditions impact on major life functions. The federal law protects persons with such conditions by requiring the school to devise a plan to protect him from the bullies. She can find out more by contacting the Learning Disabilities Association of America or her own school system.

My son was also bullied for eight school years. The school did nothing to help him. One teacher even told him the she was not going to help him any more as he brought it on himself. I was really worried about what was happening to him, but had little choice except public school. Thankfully this year, he is in a better school, and is once again the happy, carefree boy he was when he started school. I had to send him away from me -- a two-hour boat ride and three-hour drive -- but I feel that I have saved him. Bullying does more than just upset kids and make learning difficult. It kills them. Sometimes from the inside out, like my son. Sometimes from the outside in, as in all the suicides of school kids. Bullying is not learned at school, it starts at home. Parents of kids who picked on my son never admitted their children had done wrong -- 'boys will be boys'. Parents need to raise decent children, because if they don't, their children begin the whole process again.

Former Victims of Bullying Speak Out

Mike, California:

I read this with much interest, since I went to a private, Catholic elementary school for 4th, 5th and 6th grade. It was the worst experience of my life. I was bullied, chased, and beaten more at that school than any other before or since. I was always the small one, picked last for teams in sports, but I did pretty well in the academics. When our mother informed us that we'd go back in 6th grade, we (my younger brothers and I) went on a hunger strike, refusing to go back. Finally, our parents relented and we went to a public school the following years, and things were much improved.

Just because a school is private or public doesn't mean it will or won't have a particular type of problem. The problem starts with the principal and works down the chain. It's probably the reason I have such great distrust of religious schools, and religion in general.

I couldn't agree more that bullying is one of the most overlooked problems in schools. Ever since elementary school I was a bully magnet. When I reached 6th grade, it became dramatically worse. I was bullied almost every day, usually by the same group of kids. By the time 7th grade rolled around, I really felt like killing someone. Some of them became scared when I finally lashed out, I threw a rock at them. Of course at the time I was so enraged that I didn't even get close to hitting any of them.

But it kept coming, the bullying. Eventually I just shrugged it off. I figured if I didn't react and kept a blank face maybe they'd go away. It didn't really work. In high school they matured...or they found someone else to pick on. I didn't really care which, it got them away from me. But there are other kids. Kids with less patience than me. Kids who will find a way to get a gun. They will go to a quiet place, maybe their room, maybe some little haven in the wilderness. And they will go to their haven and they will think of how easy it would be to end it all. How glorious it would be. So simple. Wouldn't even take a second. They will think these things, I have thought these things.

Or maybe they will take out their problem at it's source. They will go to the school, the hellhole where they are bullied all day. Only this time, they will have a gun. They can lash out. They have force, they have power. It's like trapping a badger in a corner. I don't have an easy solution for bullying, but I do know this. The majority of school killings and suicides are caused by bullying, not video games and "violent" movies.

Now that I look back at that time, I wonder how I survived it. I think I was just too strong to let someone bring me down, and didn't have the guts to commit suicide. My thanks goes to all my friends and teachers who helped me during that time, I owe it all to you.

I'm sorry to say that I was a victim of bullying all through my elementary school years. I remember being terrified even to leave my house because a boy my age would regularly corner me almost anywhere and proceed to beat me up. I was miserable, embarrassed, and hopeless. I suffered overwhelming feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt. After all, my thinking went, if I was being bullied by him then something must be wrong with me. My wise mother realized that all I needed was some confidence in myself. She put me into a martial arts program. She made it very clear that the training I would receive was to teach me discipline and physical fitness, not so that I could injure someone else in a fight. My sensei, a talented martial artist from Korea, taught me the principles behind karate (which Hollywood ignores in favor of exploiting karate's incorrect image as a haven for the violent): focus, discipline, awareness, confidence, hard work. I stayed with it for years, eventually earning my black belt. I was a totally different kid by that point.

Achieving something that difficult made me realize that I was capable of doing great things, and most of all that I didn't deserve to be bullied. The irony is that I never even had to use it to defend myself. The closest I came was when the bully learned that I was studying karate and decided to try to prove that he was still tougher than I was. I needed only send a kick sailing right in front of his face (an intentional miss) for him to realize that I wasn't afraid of him any longer.

I don't suggest this as the solution for all bullied children; I only present it as evidence that bullies are nothing more than cowards, cowards who try to disguise the fact by attacking those they know they can intimidate. But when the right people stand up to bullies (mothers, administrators, and in the right circumstances even the children themselves), then the message comes loud and clear: we won't let it happen here.

We've assembled a collection of references relating to Bullying, both for youth and in the workplace. Check it out on the HeroicStories reference page by clicking here.

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